


Sound of Your Heart

by xXdark_passengerXx



Category: Durarara!!
Genre: Based off a song, M/M, Past Relationship(s), Regrets, Shizaya - Freeform, i think its sad, past shizaya, shizuo hallucinates
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-15
Updated: 2019-10-15
Packaged: 2020-12-16 15:27:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,226
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21038444
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xXdark_passengerXx/pseuds/xXdark_passengerXx
Summary: ❝asleep and awake, you're all i see; i cant escape you, cant set you free❞---"I was wrong.""Izaya?" but it wasn't. It was just his mind messing with him."If you were the halfwit I used to think you were, you wouldn't have believed in the one percent."/But I didn't/, Shizuo thought. He should've, but he didn't."You stayed with me.""It's not because I love you or anything," Shizuo whispered the same words he had that day.Izaya tilted his head. "Then why are you still here?"





	Sound of Your Heart

**Author's Note:**

> hiya! i dont know.. i was at no frills or something and this song came on and i was like "wow, i remember this".. and then this fic came to life. i tried and i hope you enjoy it

_you were my courage, my sword, and shield/_  
_grace under pressure, my wall of steel_

Shizuo growled as he stared up at the building. The same building he had been to a million of times, the same building that he left with a happiness he had never felt before. Now, it was nothing more than a building he wished he could forget.

There was nothing more he wanted to do than storm up to the top floor and beat up the man living there. Or kiss him. Shizuo was still having a hard time differentiating between the two— or so he told himself. A part of him knew he wanted to hold his hand again, knowing he would never crush it underneath his grip.

Shizuo clenched his hand as he stared down at it. He could still feel the soft, pale skin on his fingertips. Of course his were soft, he never had to do manual labour in his life. He never needed to work since his parents were wealthy, and since he got even wealthier with his job.

Shizuo tried to forget the feeling of his hand, but it was impossible. He had never held someone so gently before, he had never not crushed someone's bone after holding them. He knew that he could never hurt Izaya, even if he tried. Izaya would just smile as he gracefully moved away from his fist.

Because there was one person he could never hurt, it made him more confident. It made him more comfortable with his inhuman strength. If he couldn't hurt one person, maybe he couldn't hurt as many people as he thought. Izaya had always been his reassurance, his reason for being okay.

_i was stone, weighing us down/_  
_you were the angel i chained to the ground_

Shizuo walked into the building. The receptionist gave him a look but said nothing. It seemed like no one had been speaking to him for a while. That had never been the case with Izaya; he wouldn't shut his mouth for a minute, and he always engaged Shizuo into the conversion. It was mostly to see what he would say or his reaction, but Shizuo didn't mind. He was still a part of the conversation.

Izaya was as graceful as an angel, but had to the personality of the devil. Shizuo finally understood why when it was too late. When they were together, Shizuo always put Izaya down, thinking he was up to no good. Shizuo just always assumed he was doing something wrong. He couldn't believe in that one percent, but he should've. Shizuo could remember the one time he threw Izaya's computer to the wall, it falling into a million piece. He could remember the look on Izaya's face. He could remember his own realization at what he had done. Neither said anything, Shizuo staring at Izaya, Izaya staring at the wall with his jaw dropped.

Izaya had recovered minutes later. He suddenly picked up a knife under his desk and threw it at Shizuo. Shizuo didn't dodge it, knowing he deserved it. Surprisingly, that was all Izaya did. It was a weird night. After, Izaya had taken Shizuo to the bathroom and tended the wound quietly.

"I have most of it in my head," he whispered as he loomed over Shizuo, who sat on the closed toilet seat. "And some spare files, of course. I have most of it in a physical copy."

Shizuo wasn't sure how true that actually was, he was too busy wondering how he hadn't been kicked out that night. He could still remember Izaya's voice as he whispered. That should've been the night Shizuo realized that Izaya wasn't as bad as he thought. However, it was too late when Shizuo realized it.

_i miss the way you undress, i miss your head on my chest / _  
_cant stop this bleeding, can't stop believing_

That night should've been the night his stupid, protozoan brain finally realized. He should've realized that not being kicked out meant something. He should've realized that Izaya had basically chosen him over his work, his life, and the thing he claimed to have loved most. He should've realized that Izaya's head on his chest as he peacefully slept meant he still trusted him. How stupid could he have been?

He could still remember caressing his black bangs out of his face. He could remember wanting the eyes to open to reveal the beautiful red he had supposedly fallen in love with. He could still hear Izaya's soft breathing in his ear. How could he have let his anger when he first met Izaya take over? Why couldn't he just stop being stubborn and see that all of this was real instead of some game Izaya had planned out?

_i'm missing the sound of your heart beating /_  
_baby i'm in love with you_

He was too late. Izaya had gracefully danced away, slipping out of his grasp, and there was nothing he could do to get the man back. Even if he knew there was no way to get the man back, it still hurt his heart. He couldn't let him go, he realized that he loved the man. He missed him.

Shizuo stepped into the elevator and leaned back, closing his eyes. He physically felt the pain in his heart. How could he have been so stupid.

"I was wrong."

Shizuo opened his eyes and looked to his left. Izaya's stood there with his hands in his pockets, but something was off.

"Izaya?" his voice trailed in a whisper as he reached out for the other man. However, he couldn't hold him. It wasn't Izaya. It was just his mind messing with him.

"You're a lot smarter than I give you credit for," he said as he stared into Shiuzo's eyes. Shizuo couldn't say anything, no words would come out. He couldn't look away. All he knew was that this conversation was actually one he had with Izaya. It was a memory kind of thing. "If you were the halfwit I used to think you were, you wouldn't have believed in the one percent."

_But I didn't_, Shizuo thought as his heart wrenched even more. He should've, but he didn't.

Izaya then gave the same smile he did when they had this conversation. It was the most genuine and happy smile he had ever seen. It was as if no one had ever believed in Izaya before.

"You stayed with me."

"It's not because I love you or anything," Shizuo whispered the same words he had that day.

Izaya tilted his head. "Then why are you still here?"

He didn't respond to that question because he hadn't had an answer back then. Instead, he mourned the man. "I miss you."

_oh, i'm missing the sound of your heart beating /baby you were mine to lose_

Of course, the hallucination didn't respond to what he just said. He continued the conversation they originally had. "I think you're here because you subconsciously care for me."

Before Shizuo could respond, the elevator doors opened and a man stepped in. Shizuo returned his gaze from the doors to Izaya, but he was gone.

"Wa– Wait, no!" he accidentally yelled out, staring at the blank spot. The man stared at him, as he held the elevator door open. Shizuo stepped out, even if it wasn't the right floor. He would just take the stairs for the remaining few floors.

He stepped into the stairwell and saw Izaya sitting on the railing with his legs crossed, leaning back on his arm as they held onto the railing. Shizuo knew this was just another hallucination.

"I'm not playing with you!" he yelled at Shizuo. Shizuo realized this was one of their final conversations.

"I know that now!" he desperately said back.

"It's been two years, how can you still not believe me?" he asked exasperated, a look of betrayal crossing his face. "I love you! You think I just go around telling people that?"

"No! I— I understand now. Izaya, please!"

He then gave a sarcastic laugh. "I can't believe you. You really are so unpredictable. I cant believe you actually asked Shinra and my sisters what I was planning."

"Please don't leave me," Shizuo whispered as he took a step forward.

"You know what? I'll give you a few days. Tell me what you want then."

Shizuo jumped forward, but the hallucination disappeared into thin air. He stared at his empty hands.

_oh, i'm missing the sound of your heart beating / you showed me heaven, you rang bells_

Shizuo could only take in a shaky breath. Once he had a few breaths, he continued his journey up, hoping for the man to be there. He wanted to see him, even if he spent hours and hours screaming at him. He just wanted to hear his voice.

He could feel his pulse beating rapidly. He could remember hearing Izaya's heartbeat when he was sleeping and whenever he got really close. He always had this smile and Shizuo only snarled, pushing the man away. How could Izaya have loved a monster like him? He gave him no love and affection.

He heard steps walking down and he stared up, hoping to see a raven. However, it was only a woman who gave him a pitiful glance. She walked right past him. She lived on the floor underneath Izaya's. She had seen him plenty, and she knew about their relationship, and the end of it. Everybody did.

"You could never hurt me."

Shizuo stared up, and at the very top, stood another Izaya. He shook his head. "You shouldn't have trusted me."

"You idiot, no matter how much you try, you never can. Besides, you think I'll ever let you?"

Shizuo took a few steps up, but stopped. He didn't want Izaya to disappear again. He stood in place, staring up at the raven as he continued to speak.

He then giggled. "Shizu-chan is so silly! Whether you want to admit it or not, I think you're at least a little bit infatuated with me. You can't deny it."

A look of hurt then crossed his face, but he tried to hide it. Shizuo didn't like how he was the cause of it. Shizuo hated how Izaya laughed off his pain.

"All right, Shizu-chan. Try to push me out of my window then."

_i played with matches, it hurt like hell /_  
_asleep and wake, you're all i see_

Shizuo rushed you to the man, hoping to trap the man in his arms. Maybe his strength could actually come to use for once. He never wanted to let Izaya go, not again.

However, he was only clutching thin air. No longing red eyes anywhere near him.

He suddenly felt lightheaded as he gripped the railing. He leaned against the wall, staring at the spot Izaya had been. He then looked down the corridor, he could see Izaya's door. He was so close, yet his legs wouldn't take him any further. Instead, he took a step back. As much as he missed the man, he couldn't bear the thought of the truth.

He ran down the stairs. The receptionist gave him a look, but he ran as fast he could out of that building, out of the city. He ran back to Ikeburuko reluctantly. If he could go anywhere else, he would. He would rather not be in a city Izaya had ever been to. The problem was that he didn't know his way around anywhere else.

He tried taking in a deep breath. He didn't need to hide the scowl on his face, since the crowd was used to it. However, he needed to calm down. His panicked state wasn't going to   
do anyone any good.

_i cant escape you, can't set your free / _  
_i miss your full moon rising, catching a breath in silence_

He fingered the box of cigarettes in his pants' pockets. He hadn't smoked since he and Izaya weren't a thing anymore. Whenever he tried, all he heard was Izaya's voice with that disappointed and concerned look. He couldn't handle the familiarity at all. Yet, he still carried the box around, thinking that maybe one day, he would get over it.

He finally began to calm down, his breathing and heart rate had gone back to normal. He glanced around the city as he walked down the street. He froze when he saw someone sitting in a chair. They were sitting in a table outside of the café with a cup of coffee.

The raven turned his way as he lowered the cup from his lips. "Ne, Shizu-chan?" he called out. "You're home a little late, don't you think?"

Shizuo walked up to the table and sat down. "It's none of your business." The words barely left his mouth, but not because of Izaya, but because of resentment for himself for the words he had uttered in their conversations. 

"I'm... I was just wondering if someone killed you before I got the chance to. Not that it matters, just as long as the job's done!" He let out a light laugh before his smile froze on his face. "I'm just joking, Shizu-chan."

"I know, Izaya," he whispered, looking around to see if anyone heard him.

"It's been a year, you don't have to take every word I take literally, you know?" Izaya shook his head, taking a sip from his coffee. "Stupid Shizu-chan. When you're able to take a joke, do let me know."

_can't stop this bleeding, can't stop believing /_  
_i'm missing the sound of your heart beating_

Again, Izaya was fine not even a second after. Shizuo sighed as he slapped a hand onto his face. He was seeing Izaya a lot more than usual lately. Maybe running away from his apartment was a bad idea.

Shizuo got up and left; the next thing he knew, he was standing in the middle of the park closest to Izaya's apartment. This park was as a bad as his apartment; both places held too many memories for Shizuo to be okay. So much laughter and tears— Shizuo couldn't help the tear that ran down his face.

Instead he stared at the slide. Izaya sat there with a grin on his face.

"This is what couples do, Shizu-chan! They go down slides together. Isn't that fun?" he exclaimed. He then pouted as he crossed his arms over his chest. "I don't believe anything is childish. Why would you divide fun into age groups? No, Shizu-chan, alcohol isn't fun. I mean, watching my lovely humans down the substance is entertaining-- Shizu-chan!"

Shizuo took a few steps closer. He stood right underneath the slide, Izaya's face closer than it had been after so long. He longingly stared at the crimson eyes.

"I promise you, it's fun!" he tried again, patting the space behind him. "I used to go down slides all the time with my sisters!"

Shizuo turned away from the scene, remembering exactly what he did that day.

"Hey— Shizu-chan!"

He could still hear the slide being lifted from the ground and thrown miles away. He could still hear the thud of Izaya hitting the ground as he scrambled off the death trap before it was thrown. Shizuo could still remember the saddened look on Izaya's face.

"I get I was being annoying, but you didn't have to ruin it for everybody else too," Izaya's soft, quiet voice whispered.

_baby, i'm in love with you /_  
_oh i'm missing the sound of your heart beating_

"Oh, come on, Shizu-chan!" Shizuo's eyes flickered towards the swing set; once again, Izaya sat there, swinging his legs back and forth as he called out to Shizuo. "I promise if you push me for even a minute, I'll shut up!"

"Just use your legs the same way you would do when you run from me," Shizuo repeated the words he said all those nights ago.

"Then what's the point of having a boyfriend?"

Shizuo saw another him standing beside the swing Izaya sat at. Past-him held a cigarette to his lips as he gave Izaya an annoyed look. "I am _not_ your boyfriend."

That got Izaya quiet. He stopped kicking his legs as he looked at the ground, his bangs covering his eyes. Shizuo now knew that this was when Izaya truly broke.

"Then what the hell are you?" he suddenly screamed as he stood up, grabbing Shizuo's cigarette and throwing it on the floor before stomping on it. "You can't keep saying stuff like that! Whether you mean it or not, I'm not sure for how much longer I can deal with you."

"You callin' me a nuisance, flea?" Past-Shizuo growled out as he grabbed the collar of Izaya's shirt. "Why don't I show you how much of a nuisance I can really be?"

He lifted his fist, but stopped as Izaya gave the most broken laugh he had ever heard. "Once again, Shizuo, I commend you for your idiocy. You focus on every other problem except for the one that matters."

_baby you were mine to lose /_  
_oh i'm missing the sound of your heart beating_

Izaya's phone started ringing and he glanced at it. "I have to go now. Shiki's been waiting for me."

Past-Shizuo softened his grip as Izaya got out of it. He began walking away as Past-Shizuo clenched his fists. "You can't walk away from this, flea!"

Izaya continued walking, but shot a sad glance over his shoulder. "What do you mean? You do it all the time."

"Fine!" Past-Shizuo screamed as he grabbed the trash can near him. "Go hang out with that Yakuza freak! Don't think I don't know what you've been doing with him!" He held the trash can above his head, ready to hurl it.

"I could never want anyone but you."

Past-Shizuo's eyes widened as the trash can fell from his grip. Instead, he just stood there as he watched Izaya walk away.

"What're you going, idiot?" Shizuo yelled at his past self as he stalked up to him. "Go freakin' chase after him! You're his," Shizuo stopped himself, rethinking his words. He softly let out, "You should've been his boyfriend."

_missing you, missing you /_  
_i'm missing the sound of your heart beating_

Shizuo glanced around the park, only to find himself alone. He was losing his mind. He needed to see Izaya again, even if they didn't say anything to each other.

He had only taken a few steps out of the park when his phone rang. He picked up without checking the caller ID. "Hello?"

"_Shizuo," _he heard Shinra's concerned voice. _"Where are you?"_

"What do you mean?" He knew playing the naive card wouldn't work. They all knew, he knew Shinra knew.

"_This isn't helping anybody,"_ he stated. He could hear Shinra shuffling. Shizuo knew Celty was with him. "_Im sending Celty to pick you up."_

"No, you can't!" Shizuo stopped walking. He took a glance around to see people staring at him. However, they quickly continued doing whatever it was they were doing. "I cant go home yet."

_"Shizuo—"_

"Tell Celty I'm sorry, and sorry to you too. I'll be back tomorrow morning or something. I don't really know yet, but I know I can't go home yet, not without seeing him."

Before Shinra could say anything else, he hung up and jammed his phone into his pocket. He knew Shinra wouldn't try calling him again. He felt bad for making Shinra and Celty worry so much, but he was losing his mind, and he would continue to if he didn't get to see Izaya again.

_baby i'm coming, baby i'm coming /_  
_tell me now, baby i'll come running_

He took slow steps towards Izaya's home. He needed to see Izaya, but he couldn't find it in himself to actually get there. However, a few minutes of slow walking later, he realized that the agony of waiting was much worse.

"Patience has never been your virtue, Shizu-chan," Izaya informed as he ran beside Shizuo. Not in front of him, but beside him. It was weird. It had only happened once before. "But that's okay. You make up for it with so many other qualities that other people lack."

Shizuo ignored him. He didn't want to see an illusion or memory or hallucination of Izaya, he needed to see _him._

"Yeah, exactly. I guess maybe that's why we're perfect for each other; we balance each other out. You're better with showing sympathy and such, and I've got every other quality."

"Shut the hell up!" he screamed at Izaya. It had been so long since he had last gotten angry at Izaya. "Just stop talking!"

"Well, when you word it like that, you make me sound like the monster." Izaya laughed. "Shizu-chan is so silly!"

Shizuo stopped as he punched the air beside him. However, his fist hit nothing and Izaya was gone. He tried not thinking about it too much as he continued to run towards Izaya's apartment.

_baby i'm in love with you /_  
_oh i'm missing the sound of your heart beating_

The receptionist gave him a look and stood up. He paid her no mind, but she spoke up anyway.

"Sir, I'm sorry, but if you continue any further, I'm going to have to call—"

Shizuo glared at her as he walked right past her. She shut up, but her threat seemed to still be lingering in the air. Shizuo didn't care. By the time the authorities would be here, he would've already seen Izaya.

Izaya had to be in his apartment. What if he wasn't home? Shizuo laughed at the question. Of course he'd be home! Where else would he be?

He would be in his extremely large bed all alone. His legs curled to his chest as he tried finding sleep. He would be staring at the ceiling, overthinking like he always did. It was what he had always done.

_baby you were mine to lose / _  
_oh i'm missing the sound of your heart beating_

He made it to the top. He got out of the elevator and walked down the corridor. Izaya's door was right there. He lingered in front of it before pushing the broken door opened, it creaking slightly.

He could hear the sirens outside. Judging by the volume of it, he was sure there were at least three police cars. He knew more were on their way. They knew they would be dealing with him. They always treated him like an animal. He didn't even blame Izaya anymore. He couldn't.

"Izaya?" he called out as he stepped into the room. Suddenly, everything that had happened that night flashed right in front of him.

_oh i'm missing the sound _  
_i'm missing the sound of your heart beating, beating_

"You could never hurt me."

Shizuo stared at Izaya, who stood behind his desk with a smile. A trusting smile. The most beautiful and genuine smile Shizuo had ever seen. However, one glance at his past-self told him that he never realized it back then.

Izaya rolled his eyes as he moved away from his desk, standing beside it now. "You idiot, no matter how much you try, you never can. Besides," Izaya let out a laugh, "You think I'll ever let you?"

"I'm gonna strangle your skinny arse!" Past-Shizuo growled out as he took a menacing step forward.

Izaya giggled. "Shizu-chan is so silly! Whether you want to admit it or not, I think you're at least a little bit infatuated with me. You can't deny it."

"As if I could ever love a flea like you. You only disgust me!" snarled out past-Shizuo.

A look of hurt then crossed Izaya's face, but he tried to hide it. He then took a few more steps away from his desk, glancing at his humans below behind him as he took a quick glance over his shoulder. He looked back at Shizuo and smiled, stretching out his arms as he always did.

_oh i'm missing the sound of your heart beating / missing you, missing you_

"All right, Shizu-chan. Try to push me out of my window then."

"Wait, stop!" Shizuo weakly called out after his past self. "Don't!"

Past-Shizuo walked right up to Izaya, but the latter didn't flinch. His smile was still plastered across his face. Even when Shizuo grabbed the collar of his shirt and lifted him in the air, he still had the trusting look in his red eyes. His beautiful... gorgeous red eyes. Shizuo's heart clenched.

"I told you, Shizu-chan," he said lovingly. "You can't hurt me."

Past-Shizuo growled. "Freaking watch me!"

He threw Izaya out the window. A second later, he shoved his hands into his pockets as he walked right up the edge of the shattered window. He glanced at the broken pieces before looking down the window. Past-Shizuo's eyes widened as he realized that Izaya lived a lot higher than he originally thought.

"He'll be fine," past-Shizuo reassured himself as he ran downstairs. "He- he always is, _that damn louse_!"

_oh i'm missin the sound of your heart beating_

"Izaya," Shizuo called out as he stared out the shattered window. "I could never hurt you, I promise."

The lie wasn't so convincing for Shziuo anymore.

_beating, beating, i'm missing the sound of your heart beating _  
  



End file.
